Worry, concern, apprehension, happens to you…. It’s inside of you. Haunting you.
Sometimes it is uneasiness, fearfulness, intrusive thoughts. It separates you from the world around you. It can even block you from the people and things you care about.
Perturbation moves through your membranes…that mind-racing irritation, that tension-nerves-are-fried angst. It’s crabby agitation, a sense of misgiving, a living nightmare.
You hope no one sees it.
It happens… feeling misunderstood, frustrated, electric, can’t-shake-the-feeling-someone’s-looking-at-you.You-feel-surrounded-by-dry-heat-like-bread-in-a-toaster-set-on-HIGH. When you look into someone’s eyes, you find you look away. Otherwise, they might see something you don’t want them to see.
You are afraid to lower your guard. Your shoulders are so tight. Clenched teeth. It’s difficult to take a deep breath. Someone asked you if you are okay. That means your wariness shows. Your mother told you that you have RBF. Resting Bitch Face? You can’t hide your face. It’s yours. But does it really look that bad when you are just sitting there? The stress is seeping out of your pores? It’s distorting your face?
It happens.The feelings...ghosting in-and-out-of here…heebie-jeebies, butterflies, the jitters, twitchiness. You just can’t shake the raw sensations of discomfort.
Your heartbeat-beat-beatbeatbeatbeatb-b-b-b-b-beat…oh…yeah…that…bad b-b-b-bad feeling…something will go wrong… You think “I don’t want to die”. But then again you just might not want to exist when things are so weird inside. You don’t want to self-destruct. You just want to LIVE. Free from this.
You wonder if something is really wrong. Is it your heart? Is it your hormones? Or is something wrong with your brain? Is it just you? Is it genetic? How do you know?
The mantra feeling is something-bad-is-going-to-happen. It stops you from going out… You just feel tired…distracted, preoccupied, pressured. Like springs are going to pop out of your head, or your chest will explode.
You want to sleep but your mind is racing… You wonder, Will it be like this forever? Do I have to give in, and just rely on a drug? Do I need psychotherapy just to be able to make it through another week? Do I have to spend more money and time trying to distract myself from myself? Am I doomed to look forward to wine-o’clock every day? Are gummies my future nutrient?
You suffer through the brutality of worry. Your forehead feels like it is caving inward. Your eyes are squinting with impatience. You fight your electric-tense muscles. Your head flip-flop-flip-flops on your pillow. You wonder how you can stop these feelings.You have to stop it. You have a lot to do…to be… You are smart, accomplished. You can get stuff done on the outside. Why is it so hard on the inside?
Self-doubt, self-denial, self-hatred… Is it shame or am I just super self-critical because I am so wired? (Does anyone else feel like this?)
You keep it a secret. You are waiting for a solution to show up. You don’t want the same old same old. Until something different happens, you do what you’ve been doing. You keep your chin up. You get stuff done. You just keep going. It’s exhausting.
You wonder, Who out there can help me?
The truth is, you have a hunch there is an explanation. There must be. You want to do the right thing to solve this problem. You know there is an answer. And, when you find it, you’ll be free. You’ll be done with anxiety, forever. That one realization softens your shoulders. You take in a breath, then sigh. Something inside you tells you there is a way out. You believe it. That’s why you are here.