Where does healthy conflict begin?
Why Healthy Conflict Matters
We are human mammals, but we are mammals. On that very basic level, we feel conflict when what keeps us alive is threatened.
Don’t mess with my territory!
Don’t try to take my food!
Leave my mate alone!
Get away from my offspring!
These are my resources!
Grrrrrrrr….
But we are human mammals. HUMAN! So we are programmed to detect more than just the threats to our bodies. We are programmed to detect threats to our values.
HEY! I care about this!
That is important to me!
Don’t insult what I value!
Don’t you dare insult my _______!
If you don’t like what I like, I don’t like you.
I don’t like you.
Poor us, humans!
If we aren’t stressed because we feel our bodies are threatened, we are stressed because our values are.
Of course it shows up as conflict. After all, none of us has quite the same set of values.
I care about this!
You care about that.
I want to spend money and time on this!
You want to spend money and time on that.
We argue.
I’m right. You’re wrong.
Bah. Get away from me.
If someone threatens what we value, we want to tell them STOP. We feel uneasy. We can’t suppress the tension rising inside. And we want others to know: Don’t mess with my values!!
At some point, the tension rises enough that we open our mouths and words come out:
I don’t agree.
With you.
Moving towards conflict is natural when the subject in question is ___________ of high value to you.
You’ll argue and act for your values.
We Admire Those Who Put Their Hearts Into Protecting What They Value.
It’s why we go to the movies. Read stories of heroes, and thrillers where the good guy wins.
We have all reveled in stories of soldiers who have risen to an occasion to rescue a comrade, and mothers who have defied laws of physics to lift a heavy object off of a child pinned underneath. For the spy who sacrificed all for the country he loves. We love those stories because such heroism demonstrates both the physical and mental power of people who don’t even notice conflict; they are so bound to that which means something to them that they charge forward without hesitation.
Under circumstances that are less adrenaline driven, we have the curse and the luxury of time to ponder the scary nature of conflict. We second guess our opinions. Sometimes we even second guess our values. When it seems less a situation of life and death, we do fall prey to our desires for peace and comfort. Sometimes we fight for…nothing but comfort. But, it turns out that’s not so…comfortable.
Comfortable Avoiding Conflict?
Most day-to-day challenges amount to little more than conflicts of opinion, so we say little. We let stuff slide. (Why upset the apple cart?) And though we know conflicts are not life-threatening, and keeping our mouths shut never killed anyone, the pain of avoidance adds up. Slowly, slowly, we feel tension rising. It turns out that avoiding conflict isn’t all that comfortable, at all.
The funny thing is that social research teaches us that people who improve their skills at getting more comfortable with conflict develop healthier egos and feel more at ease in social situations and feel less anxious about…you got it – conflict.
Comfort with conflict.
That’s a mouthful. And, wow, what an idea.
Who, in her right mind, is comfortable with conflict?
Only someone who knows its worth.
Staying away from conflict is understandable when the subject in question is of low value to you.
If something doesn’t matter to you…well…it doesn’t matter.
Who cares. I’ve got better things to do than argue with you.
Not worth my time or effort. Could not care less.
But what if you stay away from conflict, not because it doesn’t matter to you, but because it feels uncomfortable?
Let’s rethink this.
Since conflict is inevitable (because we all value different things at different times), it’s time to appreciate its purpose to help us achieve our goals, match up with our natural communities, and express our individual and collective purposes better.
The clash of different ideas and strategies reveals not only the strengths and weaknesses of each, it reveals what EXISTS. Seriously. How else do we discover or learn, if not for conflict? We need each others’ opinions about the things we can’t see. Because we can’t see anything outside of what we value. We don’t even notice it.
We have:
- Selective listening
- Selective seeing
- Selective feeling
It happens because our brains notice what we care about. We can’t help it. So, every day, what we see is only a piece of what exists.
It takes other people to show us what else is out there.
And it takes US to show others what exists..that they don’t notice, or can’t see.
Conflict Shows Us What Else Is Out There.
If we refuse conflict, we stay in our own silos, isolated, and lose the opportunity to contribute and influence the world. That diminishes our impact. And it shrinks our brains.
Brain Shrinkage? A Closed Heart?
Conflict is one of the great building blocks to solving problems. If you make a habit of avoiding it, you are doomed to a narrowed perspective, diminished cognitive flexibility, and a failure to exercise your brain through exposure to different things than the things you think or know about. If you let it, conflict will help you solve problems by showing you where compromise, boundaries, alternatives, or agreement can be possible. It will grow your brain, and maybe even open your heart.
Poor conflict. It gets a bad rap.
That people blame conflict for creating problems is just not fair. Conflict can solve problems because it surfaces what’s hidden. It makes space for possibility.
Conflict:
Happens.
Is part of every day life.
Occurs at every age.
Is not necessarily negative.
Can be resolved.
Is part of the creative process.
When people around you are expressing strong and opposing views, it can sure feel tense. Instead of walking…or running…away. Stop for a moment. Observe. What’s all the fuss about? It’s only two people with values. Stay awhile. Observe your own tension. Your values are bound to overlap with one or another person. It’s your chance to take a peek at what you believe is worth arguing for or against, and to discover what’s on the other side.
It feels good to respect a rival who has values, doesn’t it? And, when you are willing to see through someone else’s lens of the world, you’ll discover something you hadn’t noticed or seen before. That’s the gift. You might even be surprised to discover that the person you disagree with has more in common with you than you thought.
Think of conflict as an event rather than an insult. An event in discovery. You find out what’s worth arguing and acting for. And you may even find out more than you’ve ever known before.
Put your heart into it!
“Embracing conflict can be a joy when we know that irritation and frustration can lead to growth and the re-energizing of ourselves and others. Hot heads and cold hearts never solved anything.” – Billy Graham
